It's odd, coming out the other side, eighteen hundred and twenty six kilometres away from where I started. Or at least from where I was, if it were not the start but some sideways skip. They say that running away from your problems will never make you free of them, but I propose that driving far away isn't a bad approach to giving your own engine a good run. I know nothing about cars but any shit writer would have enough fuel to connect a Ford with the human mind and pump out a bunch of 'destination vs journey' analogies.
For the last three weeks I've been sitting at a desk. I haven't been out driving hearses, preparing bodies, arranging funerals or carrying coffins. It's been entirely uneventful and largely underwhelming, but necessary in it's sweet relief. Do not be alarmed, I'm still involved in the funeral business, but I'm the voice on the other end of the phone at present when someone calls to say "Hey, Nan's dead. Come help."
It's nice.
From the impregnable safety of the office blanket fort I can think a lot about why I left Melbourne. There were a bunch of reasons. A perpetually empty wallet. An exhausted body. An overthrown character. Chiefly though, I needed to shake a habit of catastrophising and being a general dickhead. I didn't have a good grip on what problems were actually problems and what drama I was creating out of exhaustion. This whole relocation has stopped me from throwing my car into a ditch somewhere between Caulfield and Camberwell.
I saw a coworker the other day rushing around the funeral home. Watching her from my desk, I could see that she was consumed. Frantically, she stammered about wasting time. This lady, drowning in panic, undermining what time she had in hurry. I could see that all she needed to do was stop and breathe and open the cupboard to find what she was looking for, but I was struck with the awareness that in my own pressure I had failed to stop and understand what was right in front of me too.
I didn't need to go anywhere, but wanting and changing shit for health and happiness is a bloody good move. Thanks perspective, you're great.
Peace.
And we have all been there (some are still working it out) Rediscovering your soul, and what puts the fire in your belly, is what counts. Sometimes it can be a complete change of direction.
ReplyDeleteSarah, great writing and i agree with Charlie above-a shattering has been my metaphor for the kind of changes we make thruout our lives in order to continue to grow.
ReplyDeleteHello
ReplyDeleteI found your blog after a writer- friend posted the link on Facebook. So glad I stopped by. You're a powerful writer.
Sometimes we have to get away from it all, and I'm glad that moving from Melbourne has helped.
Looking forward to reading more.