It was quiet. No platitudes. No casseroles. No broken heart emoji laden tributes.
I wonder who bought the dress that they put back on the shelf. On my flesh and bones it sat, briefly, tucked into my waist with a pair of bull nose clips. But it was magnificent, and I deserved to see me in it. I won't have the joy of kissing in it next month, but I like to imagine the day in store for it after being hemmed up to the height of the right girl.
No one died, but there's a part of me calling for the space and time to respect the fallen. And to be acknowledged within my grief and relief. I have both, and sometimes they bicker.
Where's the narratives to look at that feature women who try and fail. Someone needs to write a guidebook for the ones that got away or got away upon.
I am not lost, but I lost.
My ghost of a September wedding. For a bride-to-be that isn't to be, I'm left wondering what I can do with this time. I didn't realise before now that you could observe a countdown even when the vital components of ritual have been deconstructed.
I have almost lost to time the tactile memory of it, my ring, cold on my skin and nestled between the two low creases of that fourth finger.
I've had this word, unspoken, in my head for weeks.
I don't know what to do with it. I don't really know what it might want
from me. I've played with it, toyed with it as a concept and a tool, and I've
let it sit and steep like a tea.
But where do you start, and how do you stop, when you're polishing stories
like knives and forks and serving truths.
I cringe at the noise of social platforms. I cringe harder at the irony
of pointing it out when I contribute to the endlessly rising volume. Considered
things, talk and text that fit a smooth narrative. Things that speak of a
transparency, but through the lense of creation. Can something formed ever be
free of shape?
Here, I will speak to this, the picture says.
This is something that you can talk to me about, I say into the
This is what I feel safe to share.
There are things that I preference. That we preference. And this comes
at a cost to the issues that cause us discomfort. That cause me pain.
I am slipping my fingers between the gaps in my thoughts and spreading
them open like the threads of a long, thin knitted scarf.