I did something bad. I feel awful. I am sorry.
I told a dead man today that I hated him. It was a simple quiet statement between me and him. The words, they crept out of my mouth slowly and my lips felt dirty...as soon as it was said I felt instant disgust in myself. Let me explain myself, please.
No one else was around, it was just me and 'Bob'. (Obviously, his name wasn't Bob.) I hadn't had a coffee yet. His suit was just that little bit too vintage, meaning it hadn't been worn since his first daughters wedding in 1974 or there abouts... it was brown, and much too small and much too moth eaten. I was pretty much on the table with him, engaged in what I can only describe as a gentle wrestle.
Then Bob proceeded to be a difficult case, skin slippage, stubborn facial hair, stretched sutures...he even whacked me on the butt with a wayward arm. It was after an hour and a half of wrangling that I told him I hated him. I don't know where it came from. I obviously didn't hate him, I didn't know him and he didn't even really take me all that long to prepare...I am at all other times wholly respectful towards the newly departed!
Then a whole container full of eye caps fell off the bench. Eye caps are these little plastic eye covers we put over the deceased persons eyes, under their lids, to hold the whole illusion of tranquility together. When we die, most of the time our eyes remain open... just so you know. It's a little alarming to see at first. Anyway, the container fell on the floor, dropping hundreds of the little caps over the dirty mortuary floor. I was all "meh, whatever...until more spooky stuff happened.
About an hour after the whole incident, when Bob was safe and away in his coffin in the fridge, I received a visit from a friend who is also a really great funeral arranger. This arranger had just been to see a psychic medium, so she proceeded to tell me some amazingly crazy accurate information that the medium relayed to her. Apparently the medium she went to see cost $300 for 3 hours, but she won that 'the one' show on tv. Anyway, we had a mega conversation about ghosts and about how possible it is that Bobs ghosty would now be hating me back and plotting to haunt me for all eternity. I'm fucked.
I ran straight back into the fridge and apologised profusely to Bob. I held his hand and stroked his hair for my whole morning tea. (That sounds weird, I didn't eat in the fridge...there was no tea involved.)
So Bob, if you can use the internet and you read this, I don't hate you so please don't be mean to me. Look at how good you now look. I washed you and cleaned you up and you do look dapper in your brown suit. If you still decide to haunt me, lets play poker or we can read each other chapters of old cowboy novels, k?
Lastly, I stayed back at work to get some computer work done. I ended up being alone in the funeral home and I was sure that I heard someone talking and laughing. It went on for about three minutes, then all was silent. I freaked out because everything was pretty dark. After a few texts to my friends (they told me to get the hell out of dodge) I was going to leave, but I remembered that I hadn't had a shower yet. I usually shower at work in the staff room because the water pressure is (pardon the pun) TO FUCKING DIE FOR! I tossed up the pros and cons. Pro: clean, amazing freshness under a monsoon pressure of piping hot water vs con: Being attacked by zombies and pissed off ghouls.
I chose the haunted shower. It was amazing.
Peace. x
Peace. x
I was going to ask you about ghosts and what your beliefs/experiences are to date.
ReplyDeleteIm sure Bob forgives you, i dont think ghosts hold grudges.
ReplyDeleteI understand what you mean about scary after-hours experiences. I run an anatomy lab and there have been a number occasions when its just been me and a severed limb in a dimly lit room, the hands get me the most...I just imagine this severed hand jumping off the stainless steel table and strangling me to death. Afterwards a alway check the backseat of my car to make sure it did not follow me to the parking lot....
Hahahaha erin, cool! I read a book you might love called "Stiff: The curious lives of human cadavers" by an author named Mary Roach. In one chapter she writes about an anatomy lab and how the hands freak staff out the most. I definately highly recommend the book!
ReplyDeleteHey man, you ragged on his shell, not his person. It's like me yelling at my computer at work. I think you doth beat yourself up too much.
ReplyDeletebest reply mikey. i think i doth. awesome :)
ReplyDeleteDear Sarah I'm sure Bob was frustrated at times in his life too. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't hold it against you. I think that if his spirit does hang around it would be because of the real care you showed him. I'm positive that we would all like to be treated with the same care and dignity when the time comes.
ReplyDeleteOh you are hilarious. Holy geez, please keep these coming.
ReplyDeleteI know you are very respectful person, I can tell from your posts, but can I tell you, I too went to a psychic for the first time and she was so bloody accurate it scared the living shit out of me.
We bought a deceased estate where I think perhaps poor old Hazel (previous owner) actually karked it. Like inside the house. The psychic reckons she's still here, pissed we are in the house built for her by her hubby. I have white saged the house but desperately trying to renovate the shit out of it so we too can "get the hell out of dodge".
Bob no doubt gets on Youtube and laughs at the funny cats and shit, he'll get the message. x
Bern
Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, you shared a table with Bob and gently wrestled with him. What better send-off to the afterlife for an old geezer? I think he can forgive you a little slip of the tongue.
ReplyDeletehey Sara, great Blog. Saw you in the paper and will be following you now. Love the humour, keep it up:)
ReplyDeleteLove this blog (another newbie), I went right to the start and read each entry - best reading on the web for years.
ReplyDeleteCan I ask, what do you do with earrings and piercings ? Leave them on the bodies or remove and return to the next of kin ? Some piercings maybe hidden from all but intimate lovers and yourself.
Eddie xx (a fellow labrat)
Hey eddie,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the complimentos!
All earrings and piercings go in, depending on the families request... And yep, that even means the intimate ones if that is asked of me. I'm sure the deceased people love it, if their junk is pierced they are sure to be the type of person that would've had a laugh at my feeble attempts to put the jewellery in. To be honest, I don't see that sort of thing often. And when you've seen over 2000 dead peoples lady/man zones, nothing is surprising. x
Hi Sarah, what a great blog. Love the subject matter and to be honest I find it all very interesting. It certainly isn't a topic that comes up in conversation all that often.
ReplyDeleteI am now a follower.
Hey Sarah, Yahhh I am that friend/ Great funeral arranger. Thanks hunny. Yes it can be a little spooky when stuff like that happens.I remember you telling me about Mr *BOB..
ReplyDeleteHe will forgive yo and as that other person said he woudl have loved having a good wrestle with you. Talk about go out with a bang....
Keep well x x