Monday, May 7, 2012

Post One Hundred and Fifty - Acquiescence.

I had a great night out on the weekend. I let go. I was reposed, my self consciousness relieved like a piss after a long drive. I talked to strangers. I held hands. I made plans. I went home alone without feeling like I needed to cry into a bucket of haagen dazs. My life is not yet a bad country song.

It has taken me far too long to acknowledge my fear of being alone. I've heard mates say that they love to be alone, but to me these people present like patricians taking vacation into a third world country. I imagine that being constantly surrounded by people would make solitude and withdrawal attractive. Yet, there's only so many dinner reservations for one that you can withstand without wanting to stab a hospitality worker in the temple when they say "Only you?"....

Yes, dickhead. Single people need to eat too.

I'd much prefer to show someone else the shapes on my plate that I can make with my mashed potato. You can't read books on your iphone convincingly, no matter how much you try. Eating alone just isn't as fun. And life without honest reflection is a life still of wanting.

And then you get to this stage, where I am, where you long for company but also despise conventional niceties. Making small talk with people that exhibit social bias. Trying to fit in, when assimilating is the worst thing that you can do for your own strength of character.

I asked an eighty year old widow today what the secret was to a long and happy marriage. He replied with great joy "Forgiveness for being human."

I don't think that it's necessary to apologise for ever being human. I think apologies are only for when you've been stupid. We sell ourselves short. I do everyday.

Be good. Be safe. Be mindful.



  1. I love the reminder to be safe and mindful; thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.

  2. Actually, one can read books on one's iPhone convincingly if one chooses to. Eating alone is fun for some people. It's perfectly OK for you to not feel the same way, but generalisations about whether or not people can follow solitary pursuits at all don't help anyone.

  3. There is possibility that it'll help people feel better in the same irrational boat as me, z'all. I'm not saying that eating alone shouldn't been enjoyed. Quite the opposite, I'm admitting weakness.