Monday, November 19, 2012
Post One Hundred and Ninety One: Captain Ambiguous
Sometimes it's hard to just be.
Here and now; it's apparently all that really matters, yet people don't appear to behave in ways that support the notion. What are home loans all about if it doesn't matter if you ever pay them off? Why have children, if our one unifying drive is to live for the moment? (Unless the fruitful focus of the moment is in fornication, I suppose)...
That is a digression. I had a point to this waffle but I appear to have lost that too.
I struggle with ambiguity. It's a control issue that I've only just uncovered.
Happy or sad; these two emotional states are comfortable for me. If I'm sad, I know where I stand. Acknowledging the root of this disappointment or depression is healing in itself. I generally perk up organically.
Shit gets ugly if either state, when grounded in reason, is compromised or brought to question by the unknown. And the unknown has a direct link with the future. As a very clever friend brought to my attention, happiness can be more readily sensed when opportunity is present. It's an attractive energy, radiating back in time from a possible pleasure inducing destiny. But opportunity, oh opportunity, where art thou?
Will I? When can? What is?
This is a rebirth, this stage a modification of infancy born out of the realisation that I can conceivably keel over and die at any moment, or worse, that those I've formed attachments with can do so too.
When I don't have the answers, sometimes it is so very hard to just be.