Monday, April 8, 2013

Post Two Hundred and Two: Princes and Thieves.

When I was twelve years old I told my best friend that I was going to marry Prince William. I blushed in telling her, supposing that I'd be consumed by a sudden and furious celebrity exposure. Perhaps it was his downcast eyes and alabaster skin. Maybe it was his family tragedy that I found appealing. Consider this; Was Prince William the Edward Cullen for kids in the 90's? White, sad, historically significant and really really loaded?

(Ok, so I know nothing about Twilight, apart from the fact that the glitter spangled guy is British).

What I find interesting is that at one stage I felt destined to be a princess. The freshly-evoked feminist in me raises her brow in nervous apprehension.

I am not stereotypically lady-like. I curse like a sailor and dress like a perpetual camper. I stitch together body parts for a living. What part of Disney's 'finding my prince' phenomena did I not find metaphorical? I called bullshit on the Bible, so what in the fairytale kept me under spell? And lastly why, when no other personal qualities offer explanation to the attraction, would I deem myself an appropriate royal?

I was talking to my dad about my romantic failings recently. My sister was sitting with us at the dinner table, thumbing through pictures on my phone camera roll. I snatched it off of her when I realised what she was doing. What sort of person looks through another adults camera roll? I suggested that I might have pornographic images stored, to which they laughed. "What would YOU be doing with boob photos?"

It dawned on me. I've been treating the whole partnership thing way too seriously and even my family can see it. I'm making dot points so that I can beat down this illusion into simple anti-romanticised take home messages.

1) I've been waiting for someone to come and collect me in a motherf*cking pumpkin for sixteen years. Given, I've also expected him to shred like a demon and look like Johnny Depp. At any rate, this whole 'Prince' caper is a sham. It is no more right for me to uphold this expectation as it is for a man to expect his lady friend to be able to bake a goddamn Cherry pie).

2) I need to celebrate my boobs more.


3) My family are hilarious but I will probably never tell them about boys or bad dates again. My dad might do something protective like ask for their email addresses again.



  1. 1. You don't need a prince to be worshipped
    2. Boobs are always worth worshipping
    3. ...shit

  2. I love love love Prince!! Thanks for the photo! :)

  3. ha!
    1. Don't feel bad, you just bought into the whole western ideal. I blame disney that evil fuck. Ruined the chances of all us non princely boys for generations. (i know it existed before then but he notched it up a level with those beguiling cartoons). I'm sure there is a conspiracy in there somewhere.
    2. Celebrate boobs and everything as much as you like (they are worth it in all their forms) but remember not to keep them on your phone - you will be guaranteed to lose your phone unlocked. And they will come back to haunt you: one as the ghost of christmas past and one as the ghost of christmas present . . . don't even ask about the ghost of christmas future, he usually pops up during a job interview.
    3. Dads do what dads do. It's a job description written into their genes.

  4. Celebrate your boobs. Everyone loves them. Just don't leave them on your camera roll.