Sunday, February 6, 2011

Post One Hundred and Sixteen: The Backwards Math.

Do I have time to second guess myself? I start the backwards math.
"She's (x age), I'm 26..that would leave me (y) years. Shit."

We held a very upsetting funeral service today. It was for a young woman who had passed away from a very quick and intense illness. Her body was a tiny shell, her face gaunt and aged from the disease that took her. I saw photos of her with her friends at concerts and festivals and her cheeks were pink and full. These photos weren't old. In fact, she wasn't much older than me. I take similar photos with my girlfriends when I'm out at gigs and festivals and today I couldn't help but think that my life could so easily be hers. Why her? If she'd have known three years earlier...

I count back often. Another lady who had the pleasure of my company today died in her seventies. If I die in my early seventies, that leaves me about fourty four years to do what I want to do. Is that enough time? Not particularly, if I consider how badly I want to grow long silver hair and tie it in a bow above my head like a granny ga ga. I also want to sky dive for my sixty-ninth birthday.

Most people die in their eighties, but plenty knock off earlier. Today's exemplar demonstrated that I shouldn't be greedy with my years. Like they say, it's not the days in the life but the life in the days that count.



  1. I read your posts every other day and they make me ponder. This one haunted me. It reached into my world and shook me. I whine and whinge about endless issues, some small, some mediocre, others massive and others just massive to me. But I should be grateful that there is air in my lungs and I am breathing. Thank-you for the reminder, however grave it may be.

  2. Do you also count forwards too, if someone comes your way who is 85 - you can use their age to comfort yourself in the knowledge that you have 60 or so years to come yet ? Maths works both ways :)

  3. Encountering those within a similar age group to you is always a real shake-up. Whenever I get see a date of birth from the late 70's (and read the report regarding the how/why of the death soon after) I get a cold feeling from my spine to my fingertips.
    But you know what Sarah? As her mortician, you I'm betting 100% you took care of her with grace and dignity - she would have been pleased and grateful that you really considered who she was as a whole person and gave a helluva damn about it.

  4. Things like this can shake you into living your life to the fullest. It's just a shame the motivation usually doesn't last very long...

  5. You ok hun? Long time, no post? hugs. x