What in the precious father's name happened back there?
Let me tell you.
I've been single for a while now, bar a few month long stints in poorly conceived and thus ill fated romances. I'm friendly with all my ex's, and seemingly an ex to too many of my friends; and it's been tough for the old ego, falling for babe after babe and then, quite swiftly, being rejected. This rapid repudiation made me a target for a quick fix. And quick they were.
Transitioning from a serial monogomist to a whirlwind courtesan in the space of one year is an interesting personal experiment at 27. To be honest I miss the intimacy of having a one and only, but as I go on I can acknowledge that settling down for the sake of that comfort is not enough to stabilise and satisfy my own hankerings. What I really want is to fall in love; to give love, and accept love, from people that make me feel inspired and motivated.
And that's as girly as I get. I just think about love a bunch because it seems that grief is the downside of love and I deal in that business directly. To face a challenge to my own mortality alone would be scary. I hope not to base my entire romantic inclinations on this concept, but I can't promise anything at the end of the day. Maybe it's a universal truth, isn't it the reasoning for the rubbings together of Adam and Eve?
So yeah. That stuff happened. And in and around all that I moved. And was broke. And moved in with an odd stranger into a house that consistantly smells of kangaroo.
Nothing has changed in the external world to arouse this change of mood. I just feel good recognising that I've had a shit time. I forgive myself for losing confidence as a result of the dumpings. And I vow to move away from the kangaroo commorancy.
All is well.
Peace.
This is a good post.
ReplyDeleteA lot of love talk, I think the subtext recognises the risk your line of work puts you in for an overexagerated sense of someone to lean on. But a lot of girls have that idea of "love" anyway; at least you can see those aspects for what they are.
I would add, not that you asked, that the other lesson here is ppl leave, they leave unexpectedly and social posturing and pressure aside: despite all they say when faced with mortality they will leave you then too quite often. I know of ppl who have done it to 3 wives in a row from recent times: cancer MS, Cancer "later, good luck with all of that, heres a clip to hold your hair back". Ppl are weak.
I suppose the up side, if you can call it that, is that in those situations you are alone even if they stay. Whats more thre can be a guilt that they don't have the strength to leave you when you can feel your burden and dont want that for them when they cant help anyway. Thats long enough this isnt my blog after all, but i give designing relationships a lot of thought, still, and I still think those classical ideal are all ill fated and what's worse you could easily get what looks like what you think you are wishing for. So poorly set up at core, so few to think honestly. And even if you find them that game program has to be overcome or else they'll seek it in others for no other reason than familiarity and dream.
nb Also Sam moves in a week and Im very likely going thru melb to see some acts; so tho i cant feel anything it would appear a cycle minor is beginning and your feelings reinforce that. Xxx