Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Post Nine: A Shit Day.

as-pi-ra-tion: [as-puh-rey-shuhn]

Medicine/medical: the act of removing a fluid, as pus or serum, from a cavity of the body, by a hollow needle or trocar connected with a suction syringe.

Please note: If you have a weak stomach do not read on.


Dead people get upset tummies too.

Bacteria + Stomach enzyme buildup = GROSS EXPLOSIONS OF THE THIRD KIND!

Luckily for them (and no doubt the families who wish to spend time with the deceased) I can swiftly enough do a little 'somin somin' to relieve the gas build up. I have no doubt that the poor cadavers, if self-aware, would most enjoyably like to let out all the pressure if they still had muscle control....and some do let it rip obscenely and unceremoniously if I accidently apply any pressure to the abdomen whilst dressing and washing. Aside from the mini toots here and there, I have a trusty magic wand that is very similar to the device they use for liposuction and I on frequent occasions have to make use of it.

I'm not going to say any more than that there is a release of very bad poot in the air. Its pretty much like a killer-stink bomb goes off in the room. Sometimes I run, sometimes I hide. I ALWAYS gag. Sometimes a persons waist halves, which makes me want to do it to myself if I eat too much at morning tea. Pity about the pierced organs. I wouldn't survive to enjoy my Dita-Von Teese -esque figure. Anyway, the gunk gets suctioned away and the heavily bloated stomachs disappear like they never existed. I am the bringer of an ultimate and final relief. Chemicals are inserted into the tummy (which reminds me of the ol' flat lemonade remedy of mums) and the little tiny hole is sewn up. Invisible, amazing, and horridly effective.

This is probably the worst part of my day to day work. And yesterday I did it 4 times in a row. What a great day.


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