Monday, June 14, 2010

Post Ten: A Totes Cool Idea.

I have an idea. I think It's pretty cool.
Imagine a reality TV show in which contestants from around the world battle out to find the best in the business, the mortuary business. I think I'm onto something. If only ethics didn't have to pop its righteous ass up and ruin the dream. If only death wasn't taboo....
I'm thinking it could be competition style, kind of like a gymnastics championships where there are five events and you could have winners in each category and an Overall Champion Mortician. A Corpse Preparing Pentathlon.
Something like 'speed mouth suturing' could start the episode off. It's a light-hearted and necessary activity, requiring skill and precision and is weird enough to turn heads without being too problem-solvy. Lucky contestants with cadavers that have well fitting dentures would fly through. Maybe people could score extra points if they use a thin wire and have a 'dimple-free' and super strong internal hold. Nice!
The next event could be 'contemporary senior styling' or 'best in blo-wave ' which I imagine would capture the hearts of all of the viewers that appreciate shows like next top model, that trinny and susannah crap and all of those disposable and interchangable lifestyle fashion/beauty shows. Maybe a twenty minute timer could run in the background... imagine how cool it would be to see contestants rushing around trying to dress and 'make-up' a dead person, each with their individual charms and flaws. Multiple bustling mortuary tables in the room with panning camera shots overhead. What would the set look like?!? I enjoy this train of thought....
Another event, although grizzly, could involve different trauma situations. Road accidents requiring head reconstructions, bone breaks and skin abrasion cosmetizing. Maybe plane crashes, bridge jumpers, train collisions...the list is horrifyingly endless but a list in which I add to each and every day. The success in this challenge lies in ingenuity and problem solving. No skull? Try styrofoam and modelling wax...10 points! Shattered limb...a broomstick, sponge and bed sheets!
I love this idea too much. Really, this is as weird as I will ever get. I promise. I'm a little apologetic if I've lost you but there is nothing weird or absurd about dead bodies, there is only a loss that is indeed very sad...and an empty shell of a former self that is to be respected. But it would be paying the ultimate respect if these bodies were willingly donated! To my TV making friends out there (who unfortunately aren't morticians too), if anybody wants to use my body on a reality TV show after I die please do, and go to town with my blo-wave!
Peace. x


  1. Goodness Sarah, do you only need to do reconstructions when the body is to be viewed before burial/cremation? Do you sew everyone's mouth together or only those that will be viewed? I know I am asking some strange questions..but it does intrigue me.
    Looking forward to future posts.

  2. Everyone gets fixed up. I wouldn't be concerned letting people go as they are, but so often a family will change their minds at the last minute and rip open the coffin lid...and when someones eyes and mouth is wide open it can be a little bit confronting!