Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Post Thirty-Nine: It's Big! The Oversize Explained.

I am on a war against diets. A lifelong drive, I have never said no to an offer of sweets, EVER!

People who know me will support the fact that I have a chocolate addiction. Big time, like, I probably need psychotherapy to stave off diabetes for a few years longer. I have over 5 teaspoons of milo in each serve, and I make 'wonder-milo', which is, in essence, truly wonder-ful. It's a mud of love.

Anyway, I considered hypnosis, but apparently you have to want to quit what you need to quit for it to successful. I'd miss sugar more than I miss my dead childhood pet. I'd definately swap my mum for a lifelong supply of cadbury buttons. (Sorry mamma).

I don't know how I am not morbidly obese. I eat alot for a little girl. I rarely exercise anymore, I don't have worms, I don't have manic calisthenic sex for eight hours a night, I'm not bulimic (I actually have a fear of vomiting and when I'm sick I cry like a baby...). What is spurring me on to change my sugar habits is the sad occasions of plus size deaths, and what happens to their bodies when obese people die.

I'll tell you a sensitive secret about the funeral world. When I see a larger person walking down the street, I size them up in my mind. It's quite horrible really. I've discussed this with other morticians, and we all do it by force of habit. We don't mean to, but so often we have to decide what size coffin a person will fit in, and that is hard when we are going by what they look like flopped all over the table. When selecting a coffin or casket, we obviously have different sizes available. Put simply, we have standard, oversize, oversize 2, oversize 3 and 'custom' (which means, bigger than a trailer).

Oversize is BIG, but in the last couple of months we've had a marked increase in ladies and gents tipping over 200KG. These guys either need an oversize 3 or a 'custom' if their belly is high as well as wide. I had no idea that Brisbane had such a large population...

Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy a fleshy body. That sounds weird. What I mean is, men and women look better with a bit of meat on their skeleton. But, when someones tummy apron hangs to their knees...when their legs are scheduled for amputation because of infections and bad circulation. That's not good. When ones arms stick out horizontly from their body because fat is acting as a floaty...that's not good.

Lastly, I don't want to get big. Not just for my own health and wellbeing, but because I am thinking about the poor dickhead in the mortuary that will have to wash me, stitch me up and put on my clothes. I work on my own now, and you can imagine how I look trying to put on a pair of pantyhose onto a 150kg woman. Also, putting denim jeans on a man six times my weight is not a joyous activity.

Peace. x


  1. Your posts are always a joy Sarah, I never know if I'm going to laugh, cry, feel nauseus or swear off sugar for ever after reading. I'm in your camp here and eat all the lollies I can hoover up, yet remain less than 70Kg, much to the irritation of those around me. They do however say that sometimes the damage is not as apparent as obesity. Someone sizing me up in the steet would be freaky, someone checking me up for a coffin - that's a whole new world of wwwwoooooooooaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh.
    Out in interest, how heavy are the tummy aprons to handle and wobble around ? I've never had the guts (sorry, none intended) to ask someone obese ?

  2. If I ever end up on your table, I'm sorry.

    Erin Marie

  3. I'm soooo with you on the Milo - I'm even passing this addiction onto my kids - they don't put enough scoops in by themselves!!
    This may or may not lead me to an oversize coffin...

  4. Does that mean you can't do lippo post mortem?

    Aw ... no fair. I was totally going to put that in my will...

    PS Awesome post. If i was a public health official I would totally strip mine your post for words to stick in ad copy.

  5. your response to Nicolas get back to you soon on that . it does choke me up. i put up 20$ sure the rest of you can do the same . for the gympie adventure.