I've spoken before about Eulogies, but today during a particularly moving tribute a new introspection was hither born. Hither!
A theme pounced out into my brain that previously hadn't inspired too much personal reflection. It seemed that, by all accounts, the best thing that had ever happened to this man was that he fell in love. Big time. Once. Married a woman, and loved and loved and loved until he died.
Without getting too personal, I don't understand love at all. I don't think it exists as people generally construct, but I am interested in relationships that last 60 years or more...
I like the idea of happy and harmonious co-dependency. That is probably love, yeah? The way I see it, there is nothing harmful in wanting to 'hold hands' with implausibly beautiful people either. Combine the two, and that might be what's going on. As I get older, I think I generally get more fearful. Perhaps the fear of getting closer to death, and closer to fragility, will push me towards someone so much that cuddling only them and never leaving is the only way forward. Just a thought...
I think I've fallen in 'love' with every one I have kissed. It just happens. Again, it's probably too personal, but I've never been a pash n' dash girl. Trust me, I wanted to be, but that crown was already taken at school. Cripplingly awkward. And I have a screwed up jaw that makes things all the more awkward if a kiss isn't premeditated. Basically, I doubt my strengths and know my weaknesses.
I think about what it would be like to be romantically involved with most attractive people that I meet. Attractive, or funny. Equal measure is also great. Friends, neighbours, the guy that makes my coffee, the girl that works at the IGA, the cable guy... Is this weird?
It seems that before I have kissed someone in the past, I generally had pre-planned that if they were to make that move or vice versa, I could see myself getting seriously involved. It's because I think about my options so much. There has been a general agreement within myself that if I think the person is a lot of alright they are more than permitted to be up in my grill. Grill = face, just so we're clear. This is assuming that at the time I haven't been in a relationship, I'm no cheater floosy. But even in relationships, I still think about who would be suitable suitors. Ha.
The story goes, so far, that my instant love has seemed to be unoffensive . Co-dependency loomed closer and closer and closer until I shook hands with each lover and jumped across to the next footpath to the future. Always with honesty, always with intent, always with humour, but not with 'the one'.
When do you know to stop skipping in the playground, or do you need to?
P.S. And don't just answer "You just know."