Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Post Fifty-Nine: Hello-tosis

So, I don't know how to bring this up but I think it's a pretty funny social circumstance.

There's someone that I work around who has stinky breath. I don't think that's a really big deal, but what's funny is that combined with this they're a really close talker too! I mean, I work with my face about 15cm from a corpses mouth, but this persons pipe is pretty bad.

What's the etiquette in this occasion? Surely, they've broken into my personal space and surpassed that etiquette so I should be able to tell them their airways are rancidly decomposing.

Gah! I pretty much jump over the table and hide behind the fridge doors when they enter my general eyeline. What to do, what to do!?! Any advice is muchly appreciated, and probably enjoyed.



  1. Well based solely on seeing a morgue scene from The Silence of the Lambs, dabbing vix vaporub under the nostrils would be the way to go.

    I used to give a poorly dental enabled friend lifts. Before I pick her up I'd use that method. It was either that or open the window and talk to her out of the other side of my mouth whilst breathing in and exhaling into the freshly passing air.

    A final method is to create a hotmail account called 'yourbreathisbad@hotmail.com' and send them an email to them and say 'Look, I know you. I like you. Thing is you have really bad breath. I know it sucks to hear but there's so many things they have now to help people like you live a normal life. For fuck's sake there's half of the over-lit pharma Aisle in Coles, the one whose lighting is as bright as that spilling from the open starship door in Close Encounters that the returned Bermuda Triangle hostages return through, devoted to dental hygiene dude. DO IT'.

    Or you know, whatever...

  2. Here's an idea that may work:
    Get yourself a box of those fresh breath mint things and carry them with you at all times. When the offender next speaks to you, simply take the box out of your pocket and offer one to them without a word. The offender may refuse but that's OK.
    Repeat the procedure the next time they talk to you, and the next, and the next, and the time after that.
    Eventually the offender may ask why but if they have any mental capabilities they ought to work out what you are saying without you having to actually say it. If they ask you why you are offering mints you can simply tell them that you think you could use one (nothing more). Let us know how it works out.

    (the alternative full-on bluntness method could involve stating that you have had corpses with fresher breath but I dont think you want to go down that path)

  3. assuming that your work colleges read your blog I'm sure you will now be smelling super minty fresh breath

  4. Haha! I hoped as much, but I don't think too many of my co-workers read this. I think they're afraid of being written about...

  5. Mints, gum and toothpaste. The first two for your co-worker (and you of course). The toothpaste is last resort. You can put little dabs up your nose and rinse it (so there is no suspicious white substance on nostrils) and the minty smell will still remain and combat stinky pipe's vapours.